A Dreamer and an Activist

I went to my history professor's office hours a few weeks ago and while we were talking she mentioned that her next area of study was the '60s and '70s. She said she wanted to answer this question: is love enough to change the world? 

My first instinct was to respond emphatically: "YES! Love can change the world!" 

But this year I have been working on translating my beliefs into actions. I have been focused on actually doing something about the things that are important to me. I don't want to spend my whole life talking and never actually do anything. 

So I had a mini existential crisis in my history professor's office. I had these two parts of me-- the dreamer and the activist-- giving me two opposing answers to the same question. I thought about this question as I left her office and for several days afterwards. 

I know that love is powerful. I have seen it in my own life and in others'. I believe strongly in the power of good thoughts and intentions. You don't even have to take my word for it as it was actually proven in an experiment done by the HeartMath Institute. In this experiment, a group of people each held a beaker with three strands of DNA. They were told to partially unwind two of them (to different extents) and leave the third alone. Half of the people thought about unwinding the DNA while also employing positive emotions and intentionality. The other half thought about unwinding the DNA with no positive emotion or intent. The people that employed love and intent successfully unwound the two strands of DNA while leaving the third unchanged. They literally changed DNA through positive emotion. 

This is mind-blowing. 

They altered reality through thoughts and emotion. 

((If you would like to read more about this study you can look at a summary from the institute that ran the experiment here and you can read the actual report here. I highly recommend looking into it!))

So love is powerful. But is that the answer to the question? Is love enough to change the world? What good are thoughts and ideas and emotion if we do not allow them to propel us into action? Does the power of love negate the need for this action? 

In wake of the recent Las Vegas shooting, many people expressed their love and support for the victims on social media. People sent their "thoughts and prayers" to those affected. Although this is obviously a good sentiment, it also became a point of outrage. 

"Thoughts and prayers are not enough," the internet screamed, "Help us." 

People began to offer real tangible solutions to the problem. Locations for blood drives were shared online, fundraisers were started, pictures of missing people were circulated. 

Is love enough to change the world? 

The thoughts and prayers (and love) were good, but the medical and financial support was better. Finding missing people was better. Action was better. 

Eventually I came to my conclusion.

 Love changes people and people change the world. 

I am both a dreamer and an activist. I love people fiercely. I use my intentionality to make a difference. But I also act whenever possible. I don't let myself be powerless. I go out and I do things and I let my actions make a difference too. As a college student, I am full of dreams of changing the world and making things better. I want to shape public policy and end poverty and hunger and save the environment and curate equality. I want to make a difference and have an impact. 

This question was important to me because changing the world is on my agenda. 

Love changes people. It can physically alter strands of DNA and it can physically alter your reality. You can use it to empower yourself and those around you. It can change people. And people who are loved and loving and empowered go on to change the world. 

I want to be one of those world-changing people and I want my friends and family and neighbors and peers to be those people too. So I will continue to be both a dreamer and an activist and I would like to invite you to do the same. Join me in a daily attempt to change the world. Spread love. Act on your morals. We can make things better. 

You are now part of my world-changing army, and this is our motto: 

Love changes people, and people change the world. 

Loved

When you have a disability you assume that you are too much for people. I have spent the past several years feeling like I am too much.

When I got sick, I lost pretty much all of my friends. This took me a really long time to process and become okay with, but eventually I realized that my life was just too complicated for people my age to handle. I was going through something big, and the people that I loved did not know how to love me back. I began to take comfort in this because it meant that it wasn't my fault-- it was just another symptom of my sickness. I came to terms with the fact that my life was too heavy and complex and distorted for people to understand. This was how I handled my lack of social support.

Flash forward two years and I found myself terrified of going to college because I was terrified of meeting new people.  I knew that I couldn't expect people to understand me- both the me that I am and the me that I would be if I wasn't sick. I knew that if I hadn't even accepted my conditions yet there was no way anyone else would. I knew that it was impossible for me to forge lasting connections or meaningful friendships with people that didn't really understand me or my life or my experiences.

I saw myself as a hinderance to other people. I didn't want to get close to others because then my limitations would become their limitations. I saw the way that my disability hurt me, and I could only assume it would hurt others as well.

I tend to do everything I can to make myself as easy to live with as possible. My disability is invisible, so I don't even have to let people know about it. I quietly slip away when I'm too sick to participate and I silently opt out of activities that are too strenuous. I pretend I'm not about to pass out after walking up stairs and I hide my sickness behind a tired-college-student persona.
I was expecting to go to school, meet some decent people, participate in their lives as much as I was able to, and quietly disappear the rest of the time.

Instead I was blessed enough to find the most caring and compassionate people I have ever met. I mentioned my conditions to them and they did their own research, they learned everything they could about POTS and ME so that they could be aware of my capabilities. They asked me questions and learned about my experiences and did everything in their power to understand me as a person and as a patient. They recognize the difference between who I am and who I want to be without looking down on me. They take me to doctors appointments, bring extra jackets because they know I'll be cold, take the elevator every time, and lend me their beds when I'm too sick to stand.

I see my limitations creeping into their lives but they don't act like they're being confined. They don't complain or even mention it at all. They automatically take into account my schedule and energy levels and needs and they adjust accordingly. They do everything in their power to make me as healthy and happy as possible. They don't see my illness as a burden like I thought everyone did. They love me and they love the experiences that have shaped me and they think that I am worth the extra hassle.

I was sitting with some of my friends one day watching a movie and I suddenly got really sad. I didn't move or say a single word and yet one of my friends grabbed my hand and whispered to me, "I'm here". These people love me enough to notice when I'm not okay and help me through it. They say things like "Are you okay?", "Maybe you should go to sleep early tonight", "Call me if you need me", "If anything happened to you I would be devastated", "How can I help you?", "I'm here for you", and "Everything is okay".

My friends have given me a space where not only am I allowed to take care of myself, I am also allowed to lean on others without being a burden. I no longer feel the need to make my existence as convenient for other people as possible. I no longer feel like I am disappointing or hurting others. I no longer feel like I am too much. 

I am thankful beyond words for the beautiful souls that I have met in my short time here. I don't know what I could have possibly done to deserve these people in my life. I am frustrated that my description of their goodness is inadequate. I can't seem to find the words to explain the peace and joy and comfort and sense of home that they give me.

I am working on accepting and perpetuating their kindness.

I invite you to do the same with those around you. Love them, and let them love you. You deserve it. You are not, and never have been, too much.